Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same
When our friends talk about you, all it does is just tear me down
Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name

It all just sounds like oooooh…
Mmm, too young, too dumb to realize
That I should have bought you flowers
And held your hand
Should have gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
Cause all you wanted to do was dance
Now my baby's dancing
But she's dancing with another man

My pride, my ego, my needs, and my selfish ways
Caused a good strong woman like you to walk out my life
Now I never, never get to clean up the mess I made, ohh…
And it haunts me every time I close my eyes

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all these lines are on playback in my head,, maybe im just too emotional these days , i feel i want the same or even more than the emotion i have for myself ,someone have it for me , i have a calm and relaxed man by my side whom sometimes i fear of him being emotionaly unavailable , just the opposite of me , im made of emotions and that's what makes me too sensitive sometimes, even more when the auntie is on her way to come !!  

sometimes i feel guilty sometimes i have no feeling at all , well , i know i cant put all the blame on the man beside me , he is just a human being with his ups and downs , and he is the one i have chosen , and i know i have made the right choice, but am i getting tired of him?! i guess not... he looks too self-centered sometimes,, lets just not talk about him anymore , i know im just fed up, i dont like here , i feel i dont belong here , i want to move on to a new place, i need a vacation , somewhere where there is no "here" 

i want to ,once again, fly , fly to the most beautiful me,, the one i seemed to lose for sometimes already , do you know where can i find it ?! the "me" ?  ...... 

I am Trapped Inside Me

It's bee n a long time ... i started to write again . well more than a year ago i was sitting behind a different screen with totally Different me , same body , same thoughts but I'm a year older now .. thinking about all ups and downs that happened to me just in a year makes me scared and somewhat hopeful in the other side. sitting here in my bed in a yellow pinkish surroundings of my dormitory room . well i'm alone here .should i be scared or happy to not be bothered by the crowd?? still not sure .. sometimes i wish my vision towards future wouldn't have been so blur so that i could decide easier to stay or leave,to be or not to be . i'm not talking about suicide or anything the same , i'm just talking about hope .should i keep watering this lifeless twig and wait to see it blossom into a beautiful young tree ?! .. people always tell me to go on ,that everything will turn out just right the way i want it . but i find it even harder to believe my own ears as they only hear what they want to hear , so many times I've been deceived by them . I've been deceived even more by myself .there is soul full of everything living inside my prison . its been trapped for so long that i find it hard to set it free , what will happen after flying away from me . I'm sure it will miss home ,miss me!!
sometime i wish we could record our feelings , feelings that capture us in each moment in life , but we tend to forget them and somehow we'll end up falling in the same trap that we tried so hard to escape from back then , but how forgetful we can be and fall in to the same net .. i remember leaving home long time ago when i had my ego and insisting power to stand on my own feet , to fight for what i want , to be who i think i deserve to be and i went all the way down to the road of freedom . there was nothing there but a feeling  , a feeling of belonging to no where , a feeling of having no one to lean on, so i learnt my lesson and prayed day and night to take back my peace ,my life,myself . i learnt a lesson , its not a situation you need to change .its within you , no matter how hard you try the challenge stays the same , i learnt that its me who needs to change not the world . life always gives you another chances because its god given gift to you to reach to the most beautiful you but if i just could record all those feelings back then , i wouldn't be in the same trap again today ! now im going to learn another lesson , this is my battle with life this is me who is going to jump from the cliff and fly to the most beautiful me!!!! you will See

Love .... Sara

Today

sitting in the office , waiting for my 3d to be rendered, i just had a thought of doing something instead of waiting and looking at my colleagues ..
now i want to inform myself that im totally fine with everything ,, there are tons of assholes around the world why should i even bother about them , the fact that im fine is the most important thing, so i decided to not complain anymore and stick to the most beautiful me at the time,, my mum and dad are so concerned so why shouldnt i?! after 1 terrible week i finally managed to turn my life from misery to a mystery ,, my plans!! as always , learning nice things ,trying to be calm az usual even if im sassy inside, my idea abt love!! still the same , i never believed in it ,but i still love lullipops, thats just a moderate addiction rather than love i guess ..